the spaz of fitness has arrived

The Disappearing Bench Bar: A Holiday Story

In General on December 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm

So this happened…

The Wandering Jomad meandered her way southwest for the holidays and found herself once again resorting to the local LA fitness for her CrossFit fix. In the past, this LA fitness has been generally harmless, if populated with walking stereotypes of cardio bunnies and, their male correlative bodybuilder types. This morning, Jo woke up and wandered into said LA Fitness prepared for an easy day of dynamic effort lifting. She’s already made peace with the fact that LA Fitness will not have chains to accommodate her weighted benches, nor does it have a single unencumbered bar on which to kip. Nor does it have rings, boxes, kettlebells, ropes, bumper plates, or anything fun. It does, however, have heavy objects… and Jo needed to lift some moderately heavy objects, and was prepared to do so.

As Jo leaned back onto her bench, though, for her first warm-up set, she reached up for the bar to find that it had disappeared. When she sat back up, she saw a walking cinderblock on twig legs (henceforth referred to as Man Who Skips Leg Day– MWSLD) tottering off with her bar. Jo sat, entirely baffled as MWSLD proceeded his own warm-up set of vigorous bicep curls in the squat rack with such enthusiasm that his whole, top-heavy physique rocked off its heels with each pump of his arms. Yes, dear readers, rest assured, Man Who Skips Leg Day does not curl like a pussy.

When a stunned Jo finally recovered her voice, she approached MWSLD.

“Excuse me,” she said, trying best she could to repress the inner voice screaming SMASH ALL THE THINGS against the melody of Justin Beiber or Katy Perry or whatever poppish nuisance seeped from the overhead speakers… “Did you just take the bar from my bench?”

“Oh,” MWSLD looked unabashed. “I thought you were just doing abs.”

Jo must have looked even more confused because he gestured back towards the benches where, indeed, a twenty-some girl in spandex was doing knee raises on one of the bench presses.

“No, I was actually going to bench press,” Jo explained, still shushing the raging, cursing HulkJo in her brain.

“Oh.”

“Could I have my bar back?”

“Yeah.” At least MWSLD was kind enough to want to walk the bar back to the bench press. However, pride told Jo to take the bar herself.

“Thanks, but I got it.” Jo stopped the man several stick-legged paces away and muscle cleaned the bar to a front-rack position. “But if you’re just doing bi’s and tri’s, you might want to leave the squat rack for someone who needs it to lift heavy.”

By the time Jo looked back, MWSLD had found another bar and was– in fact– still warming up in the squat rack. But she left well enough alone; she’d retrieved her own bar and proceeded to bench in peace.

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