the spaz of fitness has arrived

The Jo’s New Clothes

In General on December 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Okay dear readers, I’ll let you in on a little-known fact of Jo: I hardly own any clothes that fit. I guess it might not be that little-known, depending on how much attention people pay to my wardrobe. But between all the dramatic weight loss and subsequent weight gain in the past couple of years, coupled with my graduate student salary, I haven’t really had the resources or the will to adjust my attire each time my body shifts. As such, about half my wardrobe is composed of clothes from the days of 130-140lb Jo, prior to any fitness practices whatsoever. The other half of my wardrobe I bought just before grad school, when I was 88lbs and everything billowed off of me like tents. So… these days, as I’m somewhere in between those extremes, but very differently shaped than pre-workout Jo, most of my clothes either are uncomfortably tight or require much cinching/belts/etc. I don’t really enjoy clothes shopping in the first place– with the exception of CrossFit gear (oh the addiction…)– and I have just been too lazy to update my wardrobe each time my body composition has changed.

However, this past Black Friday, I succumbed to the sales and finally bought myself a few pairs of jeans that fit– with a little room to grow because damn it I’m going to squat 150 soon. More importantly, officially none of the 88lb-Jo pants fit anymore. As in none of them will zip/button and a few can’t make it up my thighs anymore. I remember very distinctly having to buy a new set of jeans. It was actually only a week after my stomach biopsy, on a new course of pills that made me intermittently dizzy and nauseous and still didn’t settle my stomach that well. I remember staring at myself in the dressing room mirror wondering at how I ever let myself get so frail… how I didn’t notice six months of wasting away.

A few months ago, when I was frustrated with how my lifts weren’t going up, Jefe showed me a picture from when I first joined the gym and I actually teared up. I don’t think I ever realized how sick I looked. So… today, I packed up the last of my sick-Jo clothes and I donated them. I’m not going to let that happen again. My IBS has been pretty manageable lately (*knock on wood*). Thanks to a friend, I’ve seen a gastroenterologist in town and he’s prescribed me pills that I only need to take if I have a bad day, which hasn’t been often. I do notice that I get worse with stress, so the end-of-semester blues hasn’t been helping, but definitely nothing terrible. But every time I start to feel overwhelmed by life and its many uncertainties, I remember how low I let myself sink in those days… I hadn’t heard from graduate schools yet and I hated working two jobs that hardly paid. I worried constantly that I had thrown away my education and my parents’ trust, and I’d chosen a career path that would leave me jobless and broke… I was in an unhealthy relationship that made me constantly ashamed of and angry at myself. And I let all these thoughts subsume me to the point that I didn’t care if my health deteriorated… And even in the past couple years as I outgrew the clothes, I’ve kept them around “just in case”– just in case I wind up needing them again, in case I start shrinking away to nothing. But I’ve gotten rid of them now. It won’t happen– I won’t let it. Life can have its hiccups and uncertainties, but I will take care of myself… I am strong enough for that.

Advertisements
  1. I had the same problem and now my closet is filled with mostly clothes from other people and second hand stores. It’s so expensive to redo a wardrobe!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: